on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
