I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
