I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
