fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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