there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
