i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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