Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
