a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
