I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize