take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
