just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Randomize
