Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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