Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
