Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
