Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
