its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
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