last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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