the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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