I think i peed on brittanys purse
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
