I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
