i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
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