Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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