Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
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