I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Randomize
