Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
