He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Randomize
