Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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