Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize