I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
