just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Randomize
