When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
