Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
