i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I met the friendliest cop last night
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
