I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Randomize
