I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
