I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Randomize
