when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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