are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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