listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
