Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
