I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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