I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
She told me I should be a condom model.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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