You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
