why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
