Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
The air was thick with penises
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
