My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
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