i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
