I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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