just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
