I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Randomize