I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize