she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
He told me they were just razor bumps!
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
