Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Randomize
