omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
