I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
My dick has a subreddit
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
