some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
