Can i not drive my cunt home
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
So many bounce houses so little time
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
