i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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