She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
