Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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