i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
