Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
birth control should be required to get into college
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Randomize
