home. puking in laundry basket.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
