The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize