OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
